Monthly Archives: November 2011

Easttown and Down

Let me just explain how my surroundings have changed in the past month.

There is currently a lively party for marriage equality called the “Until Love is Equal” movement going on underneath my apartment. I stopped by earlier and listened to a really inspirational speech by a charming geriatric ex-politician in GR.  I got a free button, a sense of something good brewing and a terrible glass of PBR. It is Hipsterville, after all.

If I were in my old neighborhood, the night would have gone somewhat differently. I would be listening to the sounds of firecrackers in the street (because apparently, every day is effing Independence Day to some people) and wondering how to differentiate those noises from the distant sounds of gunshots in the black hills. I’d be listening to my neighbor’s outdated music blaring so loudly from his speakers that I’d question whether or not he was indeed hosting a swinger’s party inside my bedroom.

Thankfully, I have moved on from that neighborhood and it’s characters. No longer will I wake to the voice of the Cat Lady, expressing her lamentation at a lost “Sprinkles” on everyone’s doorstep. No longer will I duck below the windows on a Friday night when the bass thumps past my house. And finally, no longer will I google the cause of the sirens, police tape and gunshots in the neighboring bar’s parking lot. I have moved from the ghetto or “Little Mexico” to the heart of hipster/hippie-ville and I am enjoying myself.

Apart from the constant flow of people, some of which are playing instruments that make terrible sounds, and the constant fear of being judged for bringing my groceries home in plastic bags, I am settling nicely into my new home. I look forward to blogging about the crazy weirdos who frequent my basement bar and the quirks that come with living in the trendiest neighborhood in Grand Rapids. Although, if any of you readers see me with a mustache tattoo on my finger, I give you permission to slap the hipster out of me.

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The Twilight Saga – Breaking Dawn Pt. 1: A Scathing Review

I’ll admit it. I was excited to see the first installment of the Breaking Dawn movies. Seeing it before everyone else spoke to my superiority complex and seeing it for free really gelled with my empty bank account. All was in order for a pleasant movie-going experience.

When I sat down to enjoy the show,  my sister by my side prepared to listen to my whispered commentary, I had no idea I was in for a 10-minute storyline drawn out into an hour and a half. I feel as if literally nothing happened in the movie. I mean…sure, there was a plot (a thin one), but it did not even come close to comparing to the action of the first movies of the saga. Admittedly, I do not read the books. I’m sure Stephenie Meyer is a great wordsmith but I prefer to spend my time reading things like the poem Bella used to open the movie (one that I recognized and acknowledged out loud so that others would think I was smart…superiority complex). Perhaps it was enough of a story to fill an entire novel with the textual ability to explore the inner turmoil of the characters. On screen, it wasn’t.

Shortly after the first scene we were treated to a shirtless Jacob. I hoped this trend would continue but sadly, ladies, that was the only shirtless scene. It seems this installment was more about close-ups on his ever-maturing face than screen time for his career-making abs. I’m not sure if it was the writing or the acting, but Jacob seemed pretty conflicted about whether he wanted to be angry/destroyed about his love for Bella or smile and make jokes to Bella. I was confused.

There was no action in this installment save for a short-lived rumble between the wolves and the Cullens. I’m not much of an “action” gal, but you do come to expect it from this franchise after a while. The only visible conflict was that of Bella and her unborn child. Kristen Stewart’s portrayal of a rapid emaciation was believable, coming across as a sad glimpse into her future as a crack-whore (not a huge fan…not a huge fan), but her instantaneous love for the fetus and desire to be a mother was not. I just didn’t buy it. I’d say “spoiler alert” but I’m pretty sure there’s not a Twilighter out there who doesn’t know that this movie is about a vampire baby. Or rather, the possibility of a vampire baby.

On top of the thin plot and lack of action, I found Edward’s mystique to be missing as well. He smiled entirely too much throughout the movie and the oh-so-sexy sullen Cullen was nowhere to be found. His entire role in the film was to (yet again) profusely apologize to Bella for any and all small infractions, including some pretty hot lovemaking bruises that she didn’t seem to mind at all, the saucy tart.

I can sum up the movie in one line, and the story could have been shown in under ten minutes. The story was predictable, even for someone who doesn’t read the books.  If you don’t want to know what happened in the movie, stop reading now. If you do…read on:

*Bella and Edward get married, go on a honeymoon and have sex (rough sex), which gets Bella pregnant with a baby nobody knew was possible and everyone is afraid of. This mystery baby grows extremely rapidly and essentially kills Bella from the inside out, stopping only when she drinks blood from a fast-food cup…and likes it. Still confused about that one.*

 The entire movie is about watching Bella struggle to keep and deliver her “demon baby”. Seriously. If it wasn’t for a few witty one-liners from Charlie, I would have been put to sleep.  In my opinion, this was the worst of the saga so far. Here’s hoping Part 2 will be a little juicier.

Passe-bilities

Hello again blogosphere! I must apologize for my extended absence from the world of forcing my every thought down your collective throat.

I’m back in full effect. And by full effect I mean I’m at an undesirable crossroads in my life (possibly). As my former loyal readers know, I have not been the best example of a student this past decade (gasp–decade?!). I started out my college career with a crash and burn and I’ve made a stream of ill-thought decisions since. As a result of those decisions and a new ruling by GVSU, I have been asked to submit an appeal to the Financial Aid office in hopes of maintaining my eligibility for the winter semester and beyond. If my powers of persuasion and my way with rhetoric don’t win them over, it could be the end of the degree-seeking road for this blogger. In light of this possibility, I’ve been wondering what on earth I’ll do with myself in lieu of this silly dream of writing and editing.

I could fall back on my childhood plan of simultaneously fielding a law career, dancing backup for NSYNC and peddling my fashion wares on all the hottest runways. That seems doable.

I could hop on a pole somewhere called “In the Thick” or “Big Momma’s House” and cash in on my overflowing assets.

I could whore myself out on the internet and submit to the onslaught of “SEO EXPERTS WANTED” ads, forgetting what real writing is like.

I could do the unthinkable. I could snag myself a man. The very thing I sarcastically suggest to people I think can’t make their own way in life. But, I guess that brings me back to option 2.

As per usual, blogosphere, I’m open to suggestions!