The Twilight Saga – Breaking Dawn Pt. 1: A Scathing Review

I’ll admit it. I was excited to see the first installment of the Breaking Dawn movies. Seeing it before everyone else spoke to my superiority complex and seeing it for free really gelled with my empty bank account. All was in order for a pleasant movie-going experience.

When I sat down to enjoy the show,  my sister by my side prepared to listen to my whispered commentary, I had no idea I was in for a 10-minute storyline drawn out into an hour and a half. I feel as if literally nothing happened in the movie. I mean…sure, there was a plot (a thin one), but it did not even come close to comparing to the action of the first movies of the saga. Admittedly, I do not read the books. I’m sure Stephenie Meyer is a great wordsmith but I prefer to spend my time reading things like the poem Bella used to open the movie (one that I recognized and acknowledged out loud so that others would think I was smart…superiority complex). Perhaps it was enough of a story to fill an entire novel with the textual ability to explore the inner turmoil of the characters. On screen, it wasn’t.

Shortly after the first scene we were treated to a shirtless Jacob. I hoped this trend would continue but sadly, ladies, that was the only shirtless scene. It seems this installment was more about close-ups on his ever-maturing face than screen time for his career-making abs. I’m not sure if it was the writing or the acting, but Jacob seemed pretty conflicted about whether he wanted to be angry/destroyed about his love for Bella or smile and make jokes to Bella. I was confused.

There was no action in this installment save for a short-lived rumble between the wolves and the Cullens. I’m not much of an “action” gal, but you do come to expect it from this franchise after a while. The only visible conflict was that of Bella and her unborn child. Kristen Stewart’s portrayal of a rapid emaciation was believable, coming across as a sad glimpse into her future as a crack-whore (not a huge fan…not a huge fan), but her instantaneous love for the fetus and desire to be a mother was not. I just didn’t buy it. I’d say “spoiler alert” but I’m pretty sure there’s not a Twilighter out there who doesn’t know that this movie is about a vampire baby. Or rather, the possibility of a vampire baby.

On top of the thin plot and lack of action, I found Edward’s mystique to be missing as well. He smiled entirely too much throughout the movie and the oh-so-sexy sullen Cullen was nowhere to be found. His entire role in the film was to (yet again) profusely apologize to Bella for any and all small infractions, including some pretty hot lovemaking bruises that she didn’t seem to mind at all, the saucy tart.

I can sum up the movie in one line, and the story could have been shown in under ten minutes. The story was predictable, even for someone who doesn’t read the books.  If you don’t want to know what happened in the movie, stop reading now. If you do…read on:

*Bella and Edward get married, go on a honeymoon and have sex (rough sex), which gets Bella pregnant with a baby nobody knew was possible and everyone is afraid of. This mystery baby grows extremely rapidly and essentially kills Bella from the inside out, stopping only when she drinks blood from a fast-food cup…and likes it. Still confused about that one.*

 The entire movie is about watching Bella struggle to keep and deliver her “demon baby”. Seriously. If it wasn’t for a few witty one-liners from Charlie, I would have been put to sleep.  In my opinion, this was the worst of the saga so far. Here’s hoping Part 2 will be a little juicier.

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One thought on “The Twilight Saga – Breaking Dawn Pt. 1: A Scathing Review

  1. Karen says:

    You should truly be a movie critic… I was very entertained by your commentary. thanks! 🙂

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