I was recently recruited to do some light promo for Capitol Records at a Jane’s Addiction show next month. While enlisting my beautiful partner-in-crime for that day I started thinking about Dave Navarro and how gorgeous he is. There is something about a man in a band. Something that makes me innately want to be close to them. So it’s decided: I need to legitimize my inner groupie by dating a man in a band. Preferably a bass player. I find them more mysterious yet personable and less likely to be a whore.
Please submit your applications if you feel you qualify. There are perks to this proposed relationship, and not just for me. I’m excellent at promoting material I like. Even material I don’t like will get shoved at people if I am being compensated for my time. So if your band sucks, I can lie! It’s a two-way street, potential band-boyfriend. I get to feel cooler by association and you get a smart, non-slutty girlfriend who will leave you alone and promises not to text you smiley faces.
I do have some stipulations, however, so please read through before submitting an application and head shot. You must not call me every day. That is annoying. You must recognize that free time and alone time are essential and that cuddling is not. You must kill spiders and hate stupid people, and you must sneeze out loud. I cannot stress this last part enough. I feel there is a telling connection between the way one sneezes and his or her bedroom persona. If you repress your sneeze and risk aneurism, I doubt you’ll be a tiger in the sack. Just saying.