As per usual when the snow starts melting (or when it seasonally should), I begin considering the fact that I’ll eventually have to start wearing less clothing or die of heat stroke. While these eventualities may be a few months in the future, I’m not in the financial position to do anything immediate and effective about my body, so I better start now.
Generally when I want to drop poundage, I drastically cut my calories and struggle on celery sticks and cottage cheese for a few weeks until I inevitably crash, burn and gorge on french fries until my shame seeps through my pores and I spiral into a pit of “eating my feelings” endlessness. I cut calories so harshly because I have consistently refused to do any sort of physical activity and that slows down the weight loss process. Or so I’ve heard.
I have ignored my increasing pudge and decreasing margin for using euphemisms like “curvy”, “voluptuous” or “thick” for so long that I fear I will no longer be able to continue my sedentary state. I need to get moving. In response to my woes and due to her upcoming nuptials, a friend has suggested we start doing P90X2 together. I said, “sure!” and quickly panicked, considered reneging and emailed her my concerns. She assured me that she will not be paying attention to my failed attempts at circuit training, nor will she judge me if I cry. Actually, she didn’t say that last part, but I’m using this as an opportunity to gently suggest that she not.
I realize this is an extreme change and will undoubtedly be a shock to my entire system. But I need it. If I survive the workouts, I hope to herd all the fat on my body from the inappropriate places like my chin, elbows, ribs, back and armpits to the more desirable locations. Hips, butts and boobs is what I’m looking for. I’ll even accept thighs. Above all, though, is my unhappy belly button. That little bugger needs to lose the frown and revert back to that expression of surprise I know it had once upon a time.
So, there you have it. My public expression of intent. I will not be limiting my caloric intake as drastically as I have in the past in the hopes that I can maintain this lifestyle change for longer and still keep up some sort of normal social life. I will, however, be angry and sore for much of the near future. Be warned, but also be prepared to shower me with compliments to ward off any danger.