Crack is Whack, But Effective

Since I have ignored my earlier claim to “start working out” up until now, I decided to join the weight-loss website that has helped me in the past: This site allows you to track your calories consumed and burned, as well as all other nutritional values you’d like to keep your eye on, while shaming you into losing weight by broadcasting your lack of progress via the “weight ticker”. It also provides weekly meal plans for those who are “planning-deficient” like myself. As I took a giant swig of Mountain Dew and clicked through my list of short-term goals (including cutting “soda” from my daily diet) I started to get a calming feeling of, “Hey. At least I have a plan—that I’ll start tomorrow.”

With a goal of hitting up the grocery store on my way home from work, I printed out the suggested “5-day grocery list” and nearly fell out of my chair. There are at least 75 items on my list, most of them fresh fruits and vegetables. I’m not sure who they think their demographic is, but it certainly isn’t fancy ladies with a disposable income and fourteen children to feed. If it was, they’d just cut their losses and hire a personal trainer and nutritionist. Or sell some of their superfluous children for food money. My aversion to piles of rotting food in my refrigerator and the existence of the bottom of my pockets will force me to make up my own healthy meals and hope I’m following the “rules”. Oy. Hello brown rice and steamed vegetables. Cooking meat scares me. I’d be a vegetarian but I’d rather not sound like I belong in my neighborhood. Fight the power!

Part of me thinks it would just be easier (and more cost-effective) to take up a drug habit and let the pounds (and the teeth) melt off. I hear crack works. And according to Whitney Housten, it’s for poor people. That’s all I need to know! I mean, it’s not uber-trendy like prescription drugs, but I’m just a normal gal from the midwest, after all. I’m no Heath Ledger. Too soon? Too soon.

All jokes aside (as if), I’ll do my best to not burn the salmon and to keep my snarky comments to myself whenever someone wafts greasy fumes past me. Unless someone presents me with cheesecake, in which case I’ll cut a bitch.


7 thoughts on “Crack is Whack, But Effective

  1. Ash-hole says:

    Too soon!

  2. Ash-hole says:

    Also, I found this grocery list on Dr Oz’s website. You don’t have to buy everything, it’s just a good list to base your list off of.

  3. Alexz says: comes in handy when you’re broke. You enter in all of the ingredients you already have in your house and finds hundreds to thousands of recipes using those items. It’s shocking what can actually be done with an empty fridge and cupboard full of nothing that would sound appetizing alone.

  4. BigL says:

    Cheesecake it is

  5. nikkigsblog says:

    As a single gal it IS hard to keep the fruits and veggies from going bad! I’m totally the person who buys 2 bananas and someone is going “why is this bunch half missing?”…I CAN’T EAT 6 BANANAS BEFORE THEY GO BAD! It’s just not possible!!!

    • bettiestamp says:

      Yeah. I bought one apple and two pears at the store yesterday. Lol. I wish you could just get a handful of grapes and maybe 4 strawberries. But no, you have to get a carton so you can foster a science experiment in a few days. Meat is also hard to buy, unless you want to stock your freezer for a year.

      • nikkigsblog says:

        I started buying chicken breasts and putting them into sandwich baggies in the freezer because I was like “I can’t eat Chicken every day for a week- gross”. And I totally agree on the strawberries too- it’s just TOO many!! Where are the “single people” food stores?

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