Ohio is Not for Lovers, It’s for Dirty Looks and Huge Birds

My sister and I have been slacking on our pimping when it comes to upholding the splendor that comes with “The Williams Sisters” moniker. We used to be a thing, and we vow to be that thing again. Even if we are older and slightly (a lot) less attractive now.

To get the ball rolling on our quest to revitalize the name fame, we decided to take a road trip to visit my dear friend in Buffalo, NY. She lives in California and was in B-Lo for one week only. It was a perfect time to catch her on this side of the country and ignore the fact that her family wanted to spend quality time with her. Because neither of us has a car that would survive a trip outside the state, and because we had to take the long way around the lake (rather than taking the Canadian shortcut and claiming not to understand that 100 km/hr is not the same as mph) due to a lack of passport on my sister’s side we had to rent a car to take the trek. This car had NO frills at $14 per day (plus $300 in fees and mileage that they don’t tell you about outright) so we brought an entertainment package to distract us and other drivers on the 8-hour journey.

Entertainment for The Williams Sisters usually involves making other people uncomfortable, and this was no exception. I furnished the car with a dry-erase board and marker so that we could easily communicate to other drivers when we felt something snarky or creepy was necessary, as it often is. Our first written message came when we noticed that an abundance of drivers were texting while driving. I know, shocking! The drive through Michigan was pretty uneventful, but as soon as we passed into Ohio the mayhem began. There were a ton of (mostly male) drivers with their faces planted in their phones who were completely oblivious to the road and our sign of “Texting & Driving is a NO NO!” We had to move on to plan b. Rather than wait for the right timing and for someone to fortuitously glance our way, we created our own hilarious situation. As I was driving, I pretended to be texting furiously while Arika held up the sign to other, more attentive drivers and looked absolutely terrified. Hilarity ensued. We had to stop after a few cars lest someone call the police on us, however.

The car we rented was a Yaris and didn’t have manual window-height locks like our 90s cars do, so we were unable to execute our favorite driving joke. Our oldest road trip act involves driving near an affluent-seeming person (preferably white and middle-aged) and peering at them sideways while obviously (yet slowly) locking our door. As if driving through a crime-ridden neighborhood while a band of ethnic youths encase the car. These people always look absolutely shocked and confused when we do this. And it’s funny. Alas, we had to settle for the white board and a novelty-sized Tootsie Pop.

We're old school comedians. Novelty-sized = gold

We had almost resigned ourselves to the dullness of the trip and settled into making fun of LFO lyrics (“ruby-red slippers and a bunch of trees”) when we passed into Pennsylvania and drove behind a very affectionate couple for about 20 minutes. The female passenger was lovingly stroking the male driver’s head for the entire time we were behind them which sparked an idea, albeit a crass one. I wrote “Wrong Head!” on the white board and held it up to the driver’s side window enthusiastically. They were a young couple, college-aged or slightly older and I thought at least the man would find it amusing. Not the case. They simultaneously gave me the most horrified/disgusted looks and then refused to glance back. Oops. Sorry Pennsylvania! I still think it was funny…and at least we succeeded in our ultimate goal: Making people uncomfortable. I wish I could have been a witness to the conversation (or awkward silence)  that took place after my lovely display.

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2 thoughts on “Ohio is Not for Lovers, It’s for Dirty Looks and Huge Birds

  1. Ash-hole says:

    Pennsylvania is for Amish and Quakers.

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