Virtual Meat Markets

I advertise myself as “single and loving it”, which for the most part, I am. I enjoy my free time and never having to check with someone else before making decisions. I also like having the ability to listen to boybands whenever I want and make Musicals and Rock Operas a mainstay in the ol’ DVD player. Football has never crossed my TV screen and I’d kind of like it to stay that way.

Of course, there are things that are a little more difficult to do without a significant other. Just recently I got a pretty bad sunburn on my back and had to let it peel since I couldn’t reach it to put on lotion. I may have even pulled a muscle trying to make it happen. That alone is enough to send one running to the many online dating sites that seem so easy. Oh, and then there’s the sex thing. I’m 27 and breathing, so, I think about it.

I tried Match.com and eHarmony.com for a hot second but the only “match” it gave me was someone I went to high school with. We hung out a few times but we were not on the same page. I thought we were hanging out to gossip about old classmates and a little for the pure ridiculousness of us going on a date. He was serious about it. Oops. We didn’t mesh well due to my overall masculine take on all things emotional and the fact that given any physical contact I was liable to crush him completely.

Plentyoffish.com (POF to the old pros) is another site I’ve been using for a few years. I have yet to meet someone in person who I met on that site. Oh, I take that back. I did meet someone who seemed normal and was marginally attractive. He couldn’t stop staring at my rear end. Everything he said had something to do with the badonkadonk. At first I was flattered. My rear is giant and sometimes that’s up certain people’s allies. This guy was a little ridiculous. I started getting nervous about any future encounters and what he may have in mind so I stopped answering his texts.

I still have a POF account and I check it periodically. If only to scoff at the suitors who fill my inbox. If someone manages to string together a few sentences without a gross misuse of the English language (and they’re not pictured in jorts or cutoff Ts) I’ll generally write them back. It seems as if every man on any dating site is really into things that don’t involve the letter “g”. They love fishin’, huntin’ campin’ and muddin’. It’s getting past these initial judgments where I run into problems.

Every guy on POF

There are also some personal issues to be worked through. At what point do I answer “I like a curvy girl with some meat on her bones” with a picture I haven’t painstakingly chosen to just appear “curvy”. I mean…there comes a time when I just can’t honestly call myself “chubby” anymore. Do men respond well to brutal, self-deprecating honesty? Hopefully better than I’d respond to utter letdown. Maybe I’ll stop choosing only the best photos and post the terrible “double chin” angles and arm flab pics that would never usually make the cut.

Maybe I won’t have to post anything. I’m still holding on to the hope that I’ll have a meet-cute a la romantic comedies. I suppose I should start spending time with people other than my lovely lesbian legion in order to make that happen. Something about a giant crowd of lesbos that doesn’t exactly scream, “come throw your hetero-game over here!” Or does it?

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