Dear Justin Bieber: An Open Letter

Dear Justin Timberlake Bieber:

Before I begin, I want you to know that I’m a fan. I truly am. I’m a fan in the sense that I bop to your music if and when it is available and I really rooted for a positive DNA test on that whole “baby daddy” scandal. That last part was more for my entertainment than your well-being, but regardless, I had faith. However, you’ve recently proven that you are just an 18-year-old boy with an attitude problem. I’m afraid I can no longer come to your defense.

It has come to my attention that you had a particularly combative interview with Detroit’s “Mojo in the Morning”. He attempted to pay you a compliment by comparing your newest album to Justin Timberlake. You pitched a bitch fit. Sure, maybe saying that he thought it was JT before someone told him it was you was a little less than flattering. I guess you’re not at the top of Mojo’s memory list. Cry about it. He’s an adult man. You should be grateful that he even bothered to listen to the album instead of just faking his way through your interview like I’m sure countless other DJs do.

Justin Timberlake was in a boyband that only teenage girls, gay guys and creepy old women listened to. Sound familiar? You weren’t in a boyband but it was the same damn thing. Before your most recent (Justin Timberlake-esque) album, anyone over the age of 15 (besides me) had to lie about owning your music. You were a little boy with big britches and you’re lucky people still care about what you say and do. Yes, you get compared to JT a lot and perhaps that’s a little irritating. I used to get called Kelly Osbourne about ten times a day and I’m not even famous. This wasn’t recently. This was before her chic transformation when she was a pudgy, drug-addled whore. Justin Timberlake is a gorgeous, multi-talented performer who has maintained relevancy despite his beginnings as a teenybopper. If you’re smart, you’ll stop all your crying and do everything you can to be more like JT. At the very least it should guarantee you a decade more of success. So shut up.

Grown Man

In closing, I’d like to say one more thing. You’re tiny. I mean…just tiny. If you want grownups to buy your albums despite the fact that you’re reportedly 5’7″ (generous) and a buck 30, you need to humble it up a bit. Your fans are getting older and moving on to bands like Of Mice and Men so you need new ones. I’d be happy to oblige if you quit your entitled tirade of whining.

Small Boy

  

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2 thoughts on “Dear Justin Bieber: An Open Letter

  1. daria says:

    Pretty much sums up my opinion of the event as well! Well stated.

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