Phone Etiquette and Pure Professionalism

I answer the phones at my job. This isn’t a large part of my job or even something that takes up a ton of my time, but today I was especially irritated with the calls I seem to get every day. They come in a few different categories that I’ll outline:

Me: “Good afternoon, this is Bettie.”
Caller: “Yes, hello. This is Susan Stork calling from a company you’ve never heard of. I’d like to speak to whoever is in charge of employee safety at your company.”
Me: “Susan, do you have the name of the person you’re trying to reach?”
Caller: “Yes, he or she is in charge of employee safety at your company.”
Me: “Unfortunately, Susan, we do not have anyone under the title of ‘Employee Safety Tsar’ and unless you have the name of someone you’d like to speak with, I am unable to connect you.”
Caller: “Ok, I’ll just take their voicemail.”
Me: “…”

Me: “Good afternoon, this is Bettie.”
Caller: “Hey, Bettie! How are you on this boring Monday?! He he…”
Me: “I’m super… And yourself?”
Caller: “Oh, you know. Just hanging in there. You know how it is. He he he…so, Bettie. I’m calling from customer service on your copier. We’re sending out the new catalogs and I just need you to verify the serial number on your machine so we make sure we’re sending the right one.”
Me: “Uh huh. Customer service on my copier specifically? Sending out the catalog for…toner? Replacement parts? Black market organs? What was the name of this company that offers such friendly customer service?”
Caller: “F*ck you!”
Me: “…”

Me: “Good afternoon, this is Bettie.”
Caller: “Yeah. Give me Mr. Bossman.”
Me: “I’m sorry, but he’s on another line at the moment. Would you like his voicemail?”
Caller: “No. When would be a good time to call back?”
Me: “Um…when he’s off the phone?”
Caller: “…”

Me: “Good afternoon, this is Bettie.”
Caller: “Hi Bettie. I understand you make the decisions on office supplies for your company.”
Me: “Yes. I’m very important here.”
Caller: “Well, how would you like to save money annually by checking out our catalogs full of the same things you already buy from our competitor?”
Me: “No thanks. I really don’t have time for this phone call. Someone on the other line needs the serial number from my copier.”
Caller: “Don’t you want to save money?!”
Me: “No. I hate saving money.”
Caller: “If you’ll ju–”
Me:

These are more things I wish I could say, rather than things I say. In actuality I’m very pleasant and completely phony. Get it? Phone-y.

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