Since I’m sharing bills with two other people now, I’m finally in a financial position to have cable and internet (legal internet) in my home. I was pretty jazzed to know that it would all be set up when I got home from work since my roomies have non-traditional schedules and had made the appointment earlier. All day at work I daydreamed about the Instagram trolling, Youtube watching and Facebook stalking I would do when I got home. Food Network, E!, Lifetime, SHARK WEEK. I haven’t had TV in over a year and I was excited.
When I got home, however, I noticed the cable truck was still parked outside our house and a very…sturdy…woman(?) was galloping down the stairs past me. I said, cordially, “Oh, we must have cable now!” And she snorted a, “not yet” in response. I wasn’t too concerned with the timeline and wandered into the house to say hello to Ariel, Jasmine and a friend I hadn’t yet met. Jasmine and friend were on their way out to hit up some yoga (because I guess people do that) but stuck around to chat for a minute. Introductions were made and for some reason Ariel, who was sprawled on the couch in a half awkward, half seductive manner came down with a case of verbal diarrhea. She let loose a stream of sexually confused, predatory comments that she honestly just meant to be conversational friendship invitations. In the space of fifteen minutes, she had alluded to the new friend’s athletic body, invited her to sleep in her bed, asked if she needed to eat to get rid of the grumps and assured her that she usually looked better, so as not to have new friend think she was unattractive. I told her she was being really, really accidentally gay (but hilarious) which piqued the interest of Katie, the cable lady, who was lurking in the corner holding some cords.
When I say “lurking”, I’m not being creative. I’m using the only word that would accurately describe this person standing in our living room. She snorted after almost everything we talked about, which ranged from bodily functions to sexuality to severe drug addiction. Don’t even ask. Jasmine and her friend had managed to escape the den of awkward and were safely on their way to yoga, but Ariel and I were still there with Katie, the cable lady. When she trudged outside again Ariel told me that she had asked to use our bathroom immediately when she arrived and didn’t come out for twenty minutes. If I have but one regret in life it’s not being here when the ogre of a cable woman camped out in our only bathroom. Oh, the jokes I missed. The opportunities for one liners. It’s a tragedy. Before Katie was finished, we were treated to the ins and outs of the cabling profession. She loudly complained about having to call into the call center to register our modem and got a little racist with the subject of outsourcing. She bragged about her overtime and sighed about answering questions for us before complaining about not having seen her kids all day. I barely heard her over the horrific realization that someone had climbed on top of her to put babies in her. She wasn’t pleasant and I can only imagine that gets worse with nudity.
After the rollercoaster of emotions that was Ariel’s accidental lesbian hunting expedition and the combination of Katie’s charming attitude and apparent digestive issues, we still don’t have the internet working correctly. She had to get home to see her kids, after all.