Pretty Pedestals & Sexy Soapboxes

Rather than watching a Youtube tutorial on how to build a soapbox, then watching a Youtube tutorial on going to the hardware store to purchase tools and blocking out time to actually go there, and constructing a soapbox on which to stand and deliver this diatribe, I thought I’d just write it down. You know, so you all can access it at your convenience. And because I’m not much of a builder. The only tool I own is a combination hammer/screwdriver and it has flowers on it. It came that way. So for me, soapboxes will always be metaphorical. That way, I’m less likely to fall off.

Someone sent me an article entitled: “6 Reasons Why Beautiful Women are Also Insecure Women”. This person wondered what my thoughts were and she got an earful. Now it’s your turn. Aside from the fact that this article was written by an objectively “beautiful woman” yet speaks about them as an outsider (and superfluously uses the word, “why” in the title), it was the shoddy construction and overall whiny tone that irritated me and left me feeling compelled to lash out. At anyone. The article opens with the writer shaming herself for assuming “hot girls” are happy. She then goes on to explain that if a woman is beautiful, she’s constantly looking over her shoulder in fear of that beauty somehow being snatched from her. Perhaps by old age, perhaps by an unfortunate acid-throwing incident. She doesn’t specify. What she does is complain for several paragraphs that society judges based on looks and beautiful women are judged more harshly because they possess that beauty for which we all long. Basically, this writer suggests that beautiful women are more insecure because they have more to lose. Asinine.

The article is based on the idea that the general (and decidedly plain) public assume all beautiful people are problem free and happy at all times. I can’t speak for the public (although I frequently do) but in my humble and not-that-attractive opinion, attractive people have an easier time in this world, just like those rich with other attributes have it easier than those who are lacking in the same. People react more kindly to attractive strangers. If an ogre hobbles up to me on the street and asks for spare change, I’m likely going to shrug him off and mumble something about only having plastic. If this hobbler is even marginally attractive, I’ll at least look him in the sparkling eye while I tell him to fuck off. Now isn’t the time to sit up straight with righteous indignation, readers. You know you’ve played the “not the uggo” game while sitting next to an empty seat on any public transportation. Sitting, judging, watching uggo after uggo slime their way down the aisle until finally a surface-dweller pauses in your row and smiles sweetly while asking you to move the hell over. If one of the uggos had said the same, surely you’d have scoffed and rolled your eyes. But this person is good looking so you laugh and move over, silently hoping they think you’re cute enough to sit next to as well.

The writer of the article takes issue with the word “and”. Calling someone “pretty and smart” or “pretty and funny” has the power to reduce that woman to a puddle of adorable mud. I’d love to be two things. Wouldn’t you? “And” is certainly better than “but”. “She’s not that easy on the eyes,  but she has a winning personality!” What a groan-inducer. Of course, the idea behind the “and” problem is that we shouldn’t have to mention looks at all. Social standing should be based on merit alone. Well that’s just stupid. It’s a biological reaction. Darwinian. Evolutionary. However you’d like to swallow it. And you’re more likely to swallow if it’s coming from a hottie, am I right? Good looks are like a golden ticket. Your sexy mug will get you in the door to the chocolate factory but if that’s all you’ve got, you’ll be a rolly polly blueberry before the day is through. You need the pizazz of that poor, ugly kid. You need the “and”. And frankly, that’s up to you. If you rest on your beauty-queen laurels instead of becoming a decent human with complex layers, that’s on you. That’s not on the world for telling you you’re pretty.

Insecurities are a human condition. It’s unfortunate but it’s real. Claiming that beauty is the thing that secures you a mate is maybe true if you’re in middle school.  Or if you just suck as a person. For me, however, physical appearance becomes less and less important as I age. Maybe it’s the reality that my own has deteriorated substantially over the years or maybe I’m just getting smarter. Granted, I’m not lining up to date the Steve Buscemis of the world, but if he was funny enough, nice enough and didn’t make me want to puke right in his face after everything he said, I’d give it a whirl. In the end, I do believe that beautiful women are insecure. What I don’t buy is that they have it any worse than the rest of us living outside the sexy-bubble.

In short, cry me a river, hot girls. Let’s ask them if they’d rather be ugly. And if they say yes, we’ll know they’re really pretty and dirty, dirty liars.

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