NSFW: The Woopie Cushion and the Bumblebee

My Saturday night started out with a bummer. I didn’t realize that all of the Halloween festivities were happening already and my costume was still awaiting some finishing touches that were en route somewhere near Salt Lake City. I was feeling sorry for myself so I went to bed wicked early and watched weird documentaries on Netflix all night. I assume I fell asleep somewhere in the middle of “The Smallest Girl in the World” because I woke with a start to what sounded like an air raid. Once I was completely conscious I realized it was loud, angry knocking. Knocking that was shaking the whole house and was obviously the work of a rapist or the S.W.A.T. team. I wasn’t in the mood to deal with either, so I chose to ignore it and hoped that whichever roommate came in last had locked the door. My ignoring worked and the knocking stopped. For about twenty minutes. Then it started again with renewed vigor and almost made me pee my pants. I wasn’t about to go check, because…duh. I have a large chest and the minute I go flouncing down those stairs in my PJs, my part in the movie is over. I’m not new. Ariel decided to be brave, however, and headed down the stairs to check out the situation. I couldn’t leave her all alone with the rapist/S.W.A.T. team (and I was really curious by that point) so I followed her down the stairs…slowly and at least ten feet behind in case it really was a rapist or murderer.

As the door opened, it revealed two girls, one dressed as a woopie cushion and the other a bumblebee. Both ridiculously drunk. They had been pounding on the neighbor’s door, not ours. I can only imagine how loud it was next door. The girls looked in our general direction (not sure they could focus on anything specific at that point) and said, “can you get your neighborsh to let ush in?” as they barged past us into the house. They begged us to let them stay in the living room until they could get a hold of someone next door and we obliged. The bumblebee was wearing next to nothing and it was very cold outside. We left them in the living room with two blankets and some words of warning to be quiet and went back to bed.

About five minutes after laying down again I started to hear more subtle banging and the beginnings of what sounded like drunk-girl-groans. Until they manifested into groans of uh…enjoyment. Ariel texted me from her bedroom to confirm what we were hearing and we met in the hallway in mutual shock and disgust. Woopie cushion and bumblebee appeared to be getting busy in the living room. It had only been FIVE MINUTES since we left them downstairs. We quickly conferred and decided to turn on the hall light, to possibly spook them into stopping whatever it was they were doing and be quiet. It didn’t work. We slowly walked down the stairs, hoping to give them time to be presentable. They hadn’t moved. What we encountered was a woopie cushion, nude from the waist up and a bumblebee, nude from the waist down. I half expected a “Brazzers” logo to come out of nowhere and situate itself in the corner of the room. I don’t want to get too graphic because frankly, seeing it once in real life was enough, but I will say that they were engaging in…uh…Australian kissing. Yeah. Australian.

Like this, only more predatory and smug

We were angry. You can’t just make yourself…at home…in a stranger’s living room at 3:30 in the morning. Rude to the max. We told them to get out and stood guard as they gathered their strewn-about belongings. Before they left, however, bumblebee begged to use the bathroom. She stood over me, hiccuping and slurring through every word while she attempted to tell me that she was a Christian, and that I didn’t have to worry. I was worried. I was worried that she was going to vomit all over my head since she stood somewhere north of 6 feet tall and was swaying as if a strong breeze was waltzing with her. She had fairy eyelashes half-attached to one eye and enough smudged eyeliner to make Ozzy jealous. I let her go up to use the bathroom because I was afraid of where else she might squat if I didn’t. Woopie cushion remained standing inside the door to wait for bumblebee and had a self-satisfied smirk on her face the whole time. It was all I could do not to smack it into submission but I was afraid she might like it. Both tried to introduce themselves to us on many occasions, but we weren’t interested in knowing them as humans. They would remain woopie cushion and bumblebee.

They left and continued to bang on the neighbor’s door for several minutes. Ariel and I both unsuccessfully tried calling and texting a couple of the girls next door while Jasmine slept soundly in her room. Unaware of the shenanigans below. A few minutes after we dared lay back down and go to sleep, the costumed hookers rang our doorbell. We both went down again as they begged us to let them stay. Ariel offered to drive them somewhere else if they had anywhere nearby and they told us they didn’t. They lived three hours away. We contemplated calling the police and letting them get sapphic in the drunk tank, but thought better of it and let them crash on the couch again, after they promised to stay out of each other’s naughty areas.

Like this, only 6 feet tall and super dumb.

We left them downstairs again, and tentatively returned to our rooms to try and salvage a couple of hours of sleep. I was awoken again, to the sounds of pleasure, and got up to scream obscenities and hurl insults down the stairs. They quieted down and I went back to sleep. I was woken again by the sounds of pleasure sometime around 7:30 am and couldn’t even muster the energy to do something about it. I was saving it all up to accompany the sun in the morning. I prefer to scare sober people, after all, but I was certainly angry. What kind of drunk people have the energy for THREE TIMES between 3am and 7am?! Just pass out, you’re drunk! You’re doing drunk wrong!

Once 9am rolled around, Ariel and I begrudgingly went downstairs to see if they had left as promised. Of course they had not. They had strewn their things all over our living room, though. All over the rug that had previously housed a bare bum and who knows what else. They had the audacity to get annoyed when bumblebee couldn’t find her phone, and woopie cushion made Ariel bend down to pick up her coat, still maintaining that smirk. The neighbors had woken up and come to retrieve the costumed girls. They wouldn’t hear the whole story until we filled them in later, when they brought over some apology cupcakes.

One of the neighbors drove bumblebee home that morning, and had to listen to bumble say, “I think I made out with woopie cushion last night”. Oh, honey.